boom

(from journal)

No.
    No I don't want industrial civilization
     the price is too high.
No. I don't want this. Why has this been happening my whole life?
         My heart is broken.
        How do I keep a broken heart open?
How do I be a witness to devastation
     and hold hope in my heart?
How do I move with grace when there is so much to do and say--so much hidden from view?
  And I don't have the words.
And we are saturated by images.

BOOM!
explosion. Boston.
BOOM!
explosion. Syria.
BOOM!
explosion
every
day
            Afganistan
            Pakistan
            Palestine
            Texas

               [Japan]

I just remembered this dream I had, senior year of high school. I was an atomic bomb and I blew up the high school.
            I was a bomb.
            I was a bomb.
I kept having those dreams.
              I was an arsonist.
                            terrorist.
              I was a bomb.
              I was so angry.
                I am so angry. I am so sad.
    My heart is so broken.
I am not broken.

                        Do I have more empathy for other animals than I do humans? I have so much anger at humanity for harming other life with selfish motives. Entitlement. Consumption.
    What is terrorism?
                    Obama says it is a deliberate attack on innocent civilians. Our president is a terrorist. So was our last one, and many (all?) before that. We are all a part of it anyway.
                   Can animals be civilians? In any case, I think Mr. President's definition is too small.
Terrorism: behavior that knowingly causes terror in the hearts, minds, or souls of any being.
           Deforestation. War. "Inevitable" industrial disasters like the plant explosions and the oils spills.
       These are terrorism.
         I am terrified.
I am living in this time. 13 oil spills in 30 days.
2 explosions (just in the US) in 2 days.
Animals, plants, landforms, atmosphere, being desecrated, destroyed, harmed every day. Out of greed.
       If we are truly creative, intelligent, empathetic creatures, how do we accept this as the status quo? How have we not envisioned and created an alternative? What are we not further on the way to that reality? Why is that not our number-one focus?

Why did I read 300 racist, sexist, mean-spirited comments and posts online today? How is it that this is how people are spending their time?
All this destruction is happening upon our hearts.

I feel sorrowful.
   I feel grief.

----------------

I feel anger.

I feel
like exploding
sometimes
like some people
do.

I know my anger is a gift,
and my sorrow.